Once the calendar flips to December and the holidays near, we seem to get caught up in the busyness of the season. Hanging the wreaths on the windows, taking in the twinkling lights, hopefully a fresh layer of white fluffy stuff on the ground and anticipating being surrounded that those you love and that love you back.

But if you’re someone who has lost their mother, the most wonderful time of the year can feel anything but. Getting through the holiday season without your mom—whether it’s the first year, or you’ve had years of experience living with the ache of her loss—it is difficult.

Let’s be honest Moms are truly the creator of holiday magic. They usually take on the majority of decorating, shopping, baking, and makes everything feel magical.

For a daughter who has lost her mother, coping with the grief of losing your mom is an ongoing journey of emotions. Sadness, is normal, as you process those family traditions you celebrated together, and it feels different as you do your best to create new memories and traditions to honor her.

So how do we give ourselves permission to celebrate and honor her? I can tell you from firsthand experience, it’s not easy – and takes a lot of grace, intention and village of support from those that know how difficult this season is for you.

Every year since my Mom’s passing I have hosted a brunch. I use her Christmas Spode, and her pewter glasses. As I set the table, I talk to her. I tell her who I’ve invited this year, and why they are sitting around the table. I cook her recipes  and when I send the invitation, I eagerly await the responses. I fill the table with women who I admire that have inspired, encouraged, challenged me. Around the table:

New friendships emerge

Stories are shared

Tears are flowing

It’s a tradition I love. The table is filled with joy, and my Mom’s presence is felt in a way I can’t describe.

This season looks different for me. It will be the first time since COVID that I will not have a table filled with women that have impacted my life this year. I am in a different place, a different part of the country, a place I just settled a few weeks ago for the second season. I don’t have my Christmas decorations, or my Mom’s Christmas Spode this year. But it’s not about the place, or the things – my tradition will continue in a different way. I have chosen 10 people that have encouraged, challenged, supported and loved me this year….and to carry on the tradition – I want them to know that they have made an impact on my life and I admire them. My mom was a wonderful letter writer – and I am honoring her this season with notes to those that I admire.

As a motherless daughter, take the time you need to honor your mom. It’s wonderful to remember that magic and smile, even in your grief. Carry on the legacy of the magic she created for you at the holidays. And know that she is watching from heaven with a smile on her face.

If you’re missing your mom this holiday season I understand you. I am you. A lot of us are. Please know this:

It’s okay to feel tired

It’s okay to cry

It’s okay to ache

It’s okay to know that some days it hurts more than others and sometimes you have to turn away  – and when you’re ready you will move forward.

You will know the time when you can honor her and what kinds of traditions you want as time goes on.

They’ve never had her holiday punch with the rainbow sherbet.They haven’t ever opened a stocking stuffed to the brim with treasures from Grandma, or seen how she could host an enormous number of guests in a way that made it seem so easy and joyful. They don’t know how amazing she was at creating a sense of “home.”

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight” ~Khalil Gibran

Do something to honor your Mom

Don’t force yourself to be happy

Ask for help when you need it

Take care of YOU

Phone a friend and let them know how you’re feeling

Do things that bring you joy

Honor yourself with time alone when you need it

Start new traditions and keep the hold ones

Talk to them

Let yourself laugh and don’t feel guilt

 

I am sending you all a hug this holiday season.